About 23 years ago I was you. At 25 years old, I was pregnant with my first child and had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I was young, barely an adult myself and yet, I was getting ready to take on that amazing, challenging, scary and rewarding role of becoming a parent. It was a role no college degree could ever prepare me for. Thanks to What To Expect When Your Expecting and all the series of books that follow, I had some basic cliff notes to get me started those first few years.
Four kids later and now almost 49 years old, I can honestly say that I am still trying to master this role. Each age and stage comes with new insight, new lessons and lots of learning curves. My kids are amazing. They are kind, compassionate, hard working, smart and genuinely, just really good humans, so I must be doing something right.
Through the years, I definitely have been consistent with many things when it comes to my children. I really believe that my childhood played a huge part on the way I have always parented. I chose to take things I loved and not-so-much loved about my childhood and apply it to what I wanted and didn’t want for my kids. To me, it made sense and 23 years later, it still does.
You Are Your Parent’s Children
I often think about my childhood and how it molded me in to the woman I am today. I think about my parents and the impact they had on me – both good and bad. If you are around my age, you may remember the show “The Facts of Life.” “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life . . . ” Now does it ring a bell. That one line truly says it all.
Around Christmas time I always bake cookies with my kids. It was something I did as a child with my parents and it’s something I always looked forward to. On Easter morning the “Easter Bunny” would leave a jelly bean trail to our Easter baskets. I loved it and I knew it was something I wanted to do for my children, as well. The traditions and special occasions we shared were extra special and I knew I wanted to make them extra special for my kids, too. Noted
I remember my parents always being there and showing up for my brother’s sports and my dance recitals. They were always in the audience or on the sidelines smiling and looking so proud. My parents were involved and present for all the “extras” and went above and beyond to show their support. Noted.
On a different note, I also remember my parents fighting and arguing in front of us and being so scared when they did. I truly believe it’s why I have the anxiety I do today and why I hate when someone raises their voice. I remember language being used that I probably shouldn’t have heard as a little girl. Noted.
I have always wanted my kids to feel safe and learn how to communicate in a more loving and effective way. Back then people didn’t open up and share their feelings as much. In fact, it was frowned upon. Sad, but true. Diving into difficult conversations didn’t happen and life lessons were rarely, if at all – communicated. Most of the time arguing was the form of communication so I never felt very comfortable talking or asking for help. Noted.
Noteworthy Lessons
At 48 years old I can honestly say that I remember my childhood so vividly. And, although there are so many difficult memories, remembering them made me in to the mother I am today. You can choose to either follow in your parent’s footsteps completely or learn from the good and the bad and apply it accordingly. I chose the latter. For 23 years, I’ve been very mindful of my actions, words & choices, so my children can hopefully look back and see that I really did the best to be the best mom I could possibly be. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. None of are. Perfection isn’t my goal in life, but being the best version of myself is.
What Worked For Me:
- Create traditions
- Show up and be present
- Create a loving environment
- Do not argue in front of children
- Be mindful of tone, volume and language when speaking
- Create a safe environment
- Over communicate everything
- Be available
- Share life lessons (see my powerful words for your little girl post here)
- Remain consistent and persistent
- Allow room for error
- Instill kindness at a young age
- Practice what you preach
- Show affection
- Say “I love you” often
- Apologize when necessary and encourage children to do the same
- Accept apologies
- Praise and compliment
- Hold them accountable
- Check in often