You discover your best friend is the other woman and now your whole world feels like it’s crumbling down. It’s truly a woman’s worst nightmare and suddenly you are the star of your own Lifetime movie. It’s a role you never wanted or could even imagine having. Not only that, you were not even getting paid or fame for it. Well, maybe some local fame, but that’s nothing to brag about.
About 10 years ago, this was me. After a summer full of suspicion and feeling like I was going crazy (because I was meant to feel that way), I discovered that my husband of 14 years and my “best friend” of about 10 years were having a full blown affair – All. Summer. Long. Yes, my best friend was the other woman in my marriage. Why did I suspect this? How did I find out? Well, there were many signs and I talk about them in another post that you can read here.
I had what I thought was a great relationship with my husband. And, this best friend – well, I couldn’t have asked for a better one. We were inseparable. We worked together, were pregnant together and even had a small business together. She was in the room when I gave birth to two of my babies. Yes, you heard that right. As stay-at-home moms, we spent years of toting around babies, having play dates and sharing our love of fashion through an online boutique.
While others were envious of our friendship, she was envious of the relationship I had with my husband. She never really expressed that to me, but the signs and act of betrayal later down the road, made it crystal clear. HINDSIGHT! That silly word sure holds a ton of truth. The life lessons that came out of this whole ordeal are ones I will never forget and will continue to share.
So, now the answer to the big question . . . how did I get through it? First of all, read that sentence again. Notice I used the word – through. You will never get over it, but I promise . . . you will get THROUGH IT. In fact, I’ve learned that it happens more than I ever imagined. Sad, but true. Betrayal occurs with the people you are closest to. It wouldn’t be considered a betrayal if it was a person you were not close to or didn’t trust. It’s devastating, awful and unfortunately, pretty common.
After months of being lied to, while the two people I loved the most became more and more distant . . . my gut instinct was dead on. My friend was coming over our house, swimming in our neighborhood pool and asking us to come on a vacation with her family – all while she was sleeping with my husband. Our children were best friends. We got together as families on and off all summer long. But, at the same time, my husband (now ex husband) was acting very distant and blaming me for having a lack of trust in him, while she was hanging out with a new girlfriend and also being quite distant from me.
I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Not only that, but because I recently had a baby about six months prior, I thought maybe it was hormones and that my paranoia was stemming from postpartum depression. I started seeing a therapist. I even sat there and listened to a sermon on forgiveness for not getting over something that happened in the past with my husband. Then, we started going to couple’s therapy.
As he sat there looking the therapist right in the eye while saying, “she thinks I’m having an affair with her best friend . . . I would never do that . . .” I was actually sitting there feeling guilty for having those thoughts. In fact, the therapist even had me feeling bad for “not trusting my husband.” I walked out of that therapy session with my tail between my legs, while continuing to beg for his forgiveness.
Long story short, my gut was right on. Another friend discovered the two heading in to a hotel together and called me right away with the news. At that exact moment I actually felt a bit of relief . . . I wasn’t crazy after all! I confronted him, confronted her husband and started taking pictures off the wall. At first, I wanted to save my marriage. With four kids and years of memories, it was something I considered and wanted. However, the lies were endless and the affair continued. Although it may have been a “fantasy” to him . . . it was a reality for me. And, that was the start of a new beginning for me.
I could go on and on about this. There are so many details to this story that I haven’t shared. But, the biggest thing is – I got THROUGH it. It was a long, hard road . . . but, with a little help from my friends, I survived. If you can save your marriage – kudos to you. Everyone’s stories are different, so there is no judgement here. However, if you decide that moving on and starting new is going to be your decision, hopefully these tips will be of some help to you.
Discovering The Other Woman & Getting Through The News
- Find a good therapist or counselor.
- Find a good attorney.
- Lean on your friends and family.
- Remove and block the friend (now enemy) from all social media.
- Get rid of photos and memories with her.
- Take down photos of you and your soon-to-be ex husband.
- Write a letter and anything you would like to say to her in a journal.
- Do not contact her at all (you will want to – don’t).
- Do not compare yourself to her or try to make sense of what happened.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends and family.
- WAIT to date.
- Find a good book on self-improvement.
- Put the time in to becoming the best version of yourself with a good diet plan, exercise routine and hobby.
- Get rid of photo albums, your wedding dress and anything else that was a part of that love story.
- Sell your wedding rings and buy something sparkly and new for yourself with the money.
- Stop yourself from thinking in the past and future.
- Live in the present.
- Take. One. Day. At. A Time.
- Get to know your financial situation and bills. Once a consent order is put in to place with alimony and/or child support, start putting bills in your name.
- Journal. Write out a game plan with goals and dreams you have for yourself.
- Think about downsizing your life and living a more simple life.
- Think about the idea of moving, selling old furniture and starting new.
- Focus on the friends that are true and keep your circle small.
- Make plans with friends.
- Get comfortable with being alone and enjoying your own company. There is a lot to learn and love about yourself. Now is the time to embrace this.