He Says He “Wants A Divorce” – Now What’s Next?

He wants a divorce. Now what? Great question! It’s one I wish I had more answers to years ago. Whoever says, “Just get a divorce”, obviously hasn’t been through one themselves. It’s no joke. It’s hard. Extremely hard. Unfortunately, quite a few people have reached out to me with this same question. Now that I am 11 years removed, I can sit here and see all the mistakes I made during that time. If only I knew then, what I know now. Hindsight. At least now I can share what I learned with others who are going through it.

Divorce. It’s a doozie. Whether you’ve been married a short time or a long time, it’s never fun. Speaking from experience – a woman who was married for 14 years, blindsided by infidelity and has four children, you’ll want to read this.

I’m going to keep this easy to understand by having a simple dos and don’ts list. If you’re anything like most woman (including myself), you lead with your emotions. I’m telling you right now – as hard as this is and as sad, angry, hurt and upset you are – it’s now, GAME ON! After you vent to the friends and family you trust the most and get a journal to do the same, it’s time gather information, seek counsel and become the CEO of your own life.

1. Lean on your closest friends and family.
2. Get a journal. Write every night before bed what you’re feeling, thinking and want out of this new life you’re creating for yourself and children.
3. Talk to a therapist.
4. Research a good family attorney.
5. Try to work with a mediator but have an attorney present to represent you.
6. Change apple ID, phone and email passwords.
7. Start gathering information – bank statements, emails, expenses, w2s, tax records, children’s ages, birth dates, schools, credit card statements, budgets.
8. Organize information and documents. The more you do upfront, the less your attorney will need to do. Time is money.
9. If you suspect infidelity, start gathering evidence: emails, text messages, phone records, photos.
10. Consider hiring a private investigator. It may be money well spent if you suspect your spouse is cheating.
11. Write texts/emails to spouse as if a judge was to read them.
12. Make your children and your well being a priority.
13. Think of you and your children’s best interest when making decisions.

1. Do not post anything about your spouse or divorce/separation on social media.
2. Keep texts, phone calls and emails to a minimum with spouse.
3. Watch for signs of manipulation and/or gaslighting.
4. Keep all communication with spouse factual.
5. Do not write or call spouse when angry.
6. Do not threaten spouse or write derogatory comments to or about spouse.
7. Gather “evidence” and keep to yourself.
8. If you find something alarming or surprising, do not call/text spouse with “news.”
9. Do not treat your attorney like a therapist.
10. Keep calls/texts to attorney to a minimum. Do not email with every little detail.
11. Keep an on-going list of things to discuss with attorney.
12. Do not impulsively text/message attorney or spouse.
13. Do not discuss details with or in front of children.
14. Do not talk poorly about spouse to children.